If There's a Future I want it Now

I've been having a silent revolution over the past few days, that has largely nothing to do with what I usually talk about on my blog, but here it is anyway...

I'm done. 

I'm done with taking back-seat approach to my life. I'm tired of sitting on the side-lines and watching my life pass me by - day after day, week after week, month after month - as I get up every morning and trudge along to a job that's just comfortable. To a job that I can just get by doing. To a job that's largely disengaging, repetitive, annoying, and disappointing. I want to find my calling. I want to get up every morning to work that I enjoy doing, to something I can be happy with and feel proud to do every single day. I feel like I've wasted my life away, and I feel like I'm getting too old to do something about it.

And I'm scared. 

I'm scared because I think I know what that means for me. I think I know which direction I need to head in but I'm torn. I'm torn between two things that I know I would love doing, but both of these things require money. I don't have money - I have debt. Not only am I going to have to make a very difficult decision between these two things, but I'm also going to have to figure out a way to invent money or pluck it out of thin air in order to change my life. I either need to go back to school (briefly - less than 2 years) or take a risk and invest a sum of money in something that may fail entirely. 

I don't know where to start. 

I'm not sure where to begin, or how. I don't know where to turn for help and every day I wake up and plod along to work, I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of quicksand. 

Am I depressed? I don't think so - not really. 

I'm still able to get myself up and dressed in the morning, and smile about everything that I have. Even though I'm apathetic about my job, I'm extremely grateful that I have it. I have full-time hours and job security, plus I get benefits, vacation time and sick days. My boss is awesome. If I wake up with a migraine, they let me switch my shift around so I can sleep for a little bit longer and let it pass (hopefully). If I don't have a way in or home, sometimes they'll drive me when it's out of their way. They're lenient and understanding that I take public transit and work my schedule around that. Then there's all the awesome people that work with me and the fun we have. It makes my days bearable, and is the only reason I haven't fallen down a sneaky hate spiral, as it were. 

I love everything else in my life. My wife, my friends, and my family, our apartment, my city, my spirituality - everything. I'm too happy on average to be depressed...but sometimes I wonder if it's creeping in, thanks to my feelings towards work. 

So what does this mean for me? 

I don't know. 

Maybe it means getting creative on my days off or coming up with an "action plan". Maybe I need to sit down with someone and talk about it - about what my thoughts are to get an "outsider's" opinion. Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" and make it happen by any means necessary. I don't know. All I know is that I'm through with what I've got now. Something's got to change. I see a fork in the road and I'm not entirely sure what path to wonder down. I just need to figure out how to get past the obstruction in the road, and I know that no matter what direction I head in,  I'll be happier for it in the end.