I've been in my head a lot lately.
For the past 6 years (I think), there's been a little weekend festival in New Hampshire called TempleFest. I first heard about it about 3 years ago or so, and while it sounded pretty cool and like something that might be neat to get to one day, it was never really something on my radar. We had a local pagan gathering back 10+ years ago (we still do, but to my knowledge it has evolved somewhat and is more social now than educational - nothing wrong with that, just not really my thing) which I enjoyed. It was a camping weekend with workshops, a big feast, and a few rituals, and it was a great way to meet people in the local community, learn some stuff, and just hang out with like-minded folk. I had a great time and was looking to return the following year but work prevented me from getting to more than the one, but then some stuff happened and the local community and its dynamics changed, and so too did the festival.
Last month I had the opportunity to get to TempleFest with some friends of mine, and it was an eye-opening experience for me - as I was hoping it would be. It was pretty last-minute. I had an opportunity to go earlier on (maybe back in May) that I had to turn down once Heather and I talked it over a bit and decided financially it wouldn't be the smartest move for us this year. But then about 2-3 weeks before the festival I got a message from someone that something had come up and there was a spot and was I available to go? This message came the day after I had a dream that was...interesting, shall I say...so once I got that message Heather and I talked it over some more, and figured that maybe this was the universe giving me a slight nudge in the right direction, so we made it work and I went. I met some awesome people that I will hopefully be able to stay in touch with, and I learned lots. I came home with a renewed sense of what I need to work on spiritually, and it was a really great feeling. I'm super excited to start W1 now - not that I wasn't before - but I think it's really going to help me in the long run.
Anyway, ever since I've been back I've really been trying to maintain the momentum that was started at TempleFest. I've been doing little things here and there, and discovering things about myself - or maybe just getting confirmation - and just keeping that ball rolling, so to speak. I feel more witchy than I ever have - I think partly because I've reclaimed the word "witch" in a way that I never had before. I've become a lot more comfortable with it, especially when people see my tattoo and go "oh, are you a witch?" I'm a lot more willing to admit that to "randoms" now than I was before.
So that's pretty big, I think.
But - as a result of me doing that - I've turned inwards a lot, and been doing a lot of contemplating in other areas of my life - more specifically, about my job.
In April I started a new job - as a pharmacy assistant. I went into it suspecting that I wasn't going to like the store I would be working in - and I wasn't wrong. But what I wasn't ready for was the possibility of not liking the job itself. I had been doing courses and been training at my other job for the better part of a year, with the end goal of getting a full-time position as a pharmacy assistant. I worked for the position, and I got it on my first try. I was so happy to be able to move into a role that I thought would be rewarding - knowing that I'm contributing to helping people feel better. To be in a job with a title that meant something more than "retail worker". Pharmacy Assistant sounds a hell of a lot better than Merchandiser. But once I got there I was stuck on cash - the receiving end of cranky customers, having to be the one they get angry at when something isn't as they're expecting. If I'm lucky I get to be "filling" prescriptions maybe one shift a week - sometimes unto 3 times - but I really am just a cashier with the occasional filling shift, and I can honestly say that I hate it. I hate the job I'm doing and I hate the environment that I'm working in. Every day I work I have to ask for help to get me through the shift, and sometimes it's all I can do to not walk out. I don't want to spend another 4 months slowly suffocating emotionally and spiritually (trying to hide the fact that I dislike my job day in-day out) by being in a spot like that. I can't. And so I'm not.
At most I have 4 weeks to freedom, at best 2 weeks.
I'm going back to my old role as a merchandiser - at another store. One that's got a much better work environment. I can't say I'm totally happy though, because leaving means admitting defeat, closing a door that I'm not sure I'm ready to close just yet. At the same time though, I'm happy I had the experience I did because I did learn a lot, and I never would have known it wasn't for me if I didn't do it.
So I've been thinking about this a lot in the last week. There's been lots of other stuff going on in my life too though.
My parents are renovating their house, which is only about a 4 minute walk away. Right now chaos doesn't really even begin to describe the situation. They were without running water for 2 weeks, and only got cold water back last week. They may not have hot water for another...well, they really don't know. Thankfully we're so close so they can come here to get showers and whatnot when they can. It's been hard on everyone, but especially my mom, and I wish I could help more than I have been.
While this has been going on - the renovations at my parent's place - I found out my brother and his partner of 4 years broke up. It's whats best for everyone in the long run, and I want what's best for them, truly. But it's just more emotional stuff to wade through.
So I've been in my head a lot lately.
I know I've been quiet for a few months, but I was in a dark place for a bit, with my job. I had to work through that, which I did, and I came out the other side of that about a month to month-and-a-half ago or so. When I came out of that I found out I was able to go to TempleFest, which was awesome, but when I got back I found I was still working through some stuff, just in a different way, and in different areas of my life - but it's not all bad!
And thus begins my Saturn Return - I think. I'm ready for a bumpy ride...but who says bumpy rides can't be a little fun, right?
