If There's a Future I want it Now

I've been having a silent revolution over the past few days, that has largely nothing to do with what I usually talk about on my blog, but here it is anyway...

I'm done. 

I'm done with taking back-seat approach to my life. I'm tired of sitting on the side-lines and watching my life pass me by - day after day, week after week, month after month - as I get up every morning and trudge along to a job that's just comfortable. To a job that I can just get by doing. To a job that's largely disengaging, repetitive, annoying, and disappointing. I want to find my calling. I want to get up every morning to work that I enjoy doing, to something I can be happy with and feel proud to do every single day. I feel like I've wasted my life away, and I feel like I'm getting too old to do something about it.

And I'm scared. 

I'm scared because I think I know what that means for me. I think I know which direction I need to head in but I'm torn. I'm torn between two things that I know I would love doing, but both of these things require money. I don't have money - I have debt. Not only am I going to have to make a very difficult decision between these two things, but I'm also going to have to figure out a way to invent money or pluck it out of thin air in order to change my life. I either need to go back to school (briefly - less than 2 years) or take a risk and invest a sum of money in something that may fail entirely. 

I don't know where to start. 

I'm not sure where to begin, or how. I don't know where to turn for help and every day I wake up and plod along to work, I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of quicksand. 

Am I depressed? I don't think so - not really. 

I'm still able to get myself up and dressed in the morning, and smile about everything that I have. Even though I'm apathetic about my job, I'm extremely grateful that I have it. I have full-time hours and job security, plus I get benefits, vacation time and sick days. My boss is awesome. If I wake up with a migraine, they let me switch my shift around so I can sleep for a little bit longer and let it pass (hopefully). If I don't have a way in or home, sometimes they'll drive me when it's out of their way. They're lenient and understanding that I take public transit and work my schedule around that. Then there's all the awesome people that work with me and the fun we have. It makes my days bearable, and is the only reason I haven't fallen down a sneaky hate spiral, as it were. 

I love everything else in my life. My wife, my friends, and my family, our apartment, my city, my spirituality - everything. I'm too happy on average to be depressed...but sometimes I wonder if it's creeping in, thanks to my feelings towards work. 

So what does this mean for me? 

I don't know. 

Maybe it means getting creative on my days off or coming up with an "action plan". Maybe I need to sit down with someone and talk about it - about what my thoughts are to get an "outsider's" opinion. Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" and make it happen by any means necessary. I don't know. All I know is that I'm through with what I've got now. Something's got to change. I see a fork in the road and I'm not entirely sure what path to wonder down. I just need to figure out how to get past the obstruction in the road, and I know that no matter what direction I head in,  I'll be happier for it in the end. 

Superiority is Inappropriate - A Rant

Su-pe-ri-or-i-ty: the state of being high or higher in quality; the belief that you are better than other people; the quality or state of being larger, stronger, etc., than others. (as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary online)

There are few instances where being superior is a good thing, but by-and-large, feeling superiority over others is generally frowned upon. I find this to be especially true in gender and race relations. Why should this be any different when dealing with religious matters? That person over there is better than I am because they're a Catholic? That's just wrong.

Today we (the founding members of the IDGAF tradition, however, 2 specifically) had a first-hand account of why religious superiority is inappropriate. There was an e-mail - from someone in our local community - that was sent to a friend of a founding IDGAF member. In this e-mail, the sender mentioned being "concerned" that Odin has been appearing to the members in question, saying that these people are delusional in thinking he would contact them because he didn't even show himself to [insert name] (from a story in the Eddas). The sender has been a part of the Heathen community here for a little while, and perhaps they feel entitled to comment because of their seniority in that community, I'm not sure. What they did, however, was basically say that these IDGAF member's beliefs are invalid because it is not the way that the e-mail sender has experienced this deity and, I can only assume, that because of this, they are being delusional.

I'm sorry, but who are you to go around telling someone what they can and can not believe? Wait...I'm not sorry. If you experience deity differently than the person next to you, that doesn't make their experiences any less valid than yours. It just makes them different. And that's a good thing! Diversity is what makes the community stronger, and bashing someone's experiences is not only harmful to that person, but it shows your inability to be open to the experiences of those around you, thereby making you a close-minded bigot (a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group [as a racial or ethnic group] with hatred and intolerance - the Merriam-Webster dictionary online).

It's one thing to have your opinions and keep them to yourself. Sure, maybe you feel that these people are delusional and couldn't possibly have the experiences they talk about. But don't go around telling them or others, that they can't possibly be having these experiences because this isn't like anything that you've experienced in your x number of years being a Heathen. That's inappropriate. It's like saying that there is only one way to go on a journey, or get in to a trance state because that's the only way you've ever done it. Does the pope go around telling people that they haven't had a genuine religious experience because he's never had the same thing happen to him? Nope!

And this isn't the first time this has happened - not only to founding IDGAF members, but to people in the pagan community as a whole. Why do we feel that when someone has a different experience with a deity it's not valid? Why is there only one way to do things? I've got news for you...THERE ISN'T ONLY ONE WAY TO EXPERIENCE THE DIVINE!!!! That's the beauty of being a pagan...or human, really. You don't have to do things the same way as your neighbour in order for it to have the same end result. For example, I don't have an ice pick to clear the ice off our deck. I have a hammer and a dust pan. You know what? That hammer and dust pan does a pretty great job at getting rid of the ice on the deck. Just because I'm not using the proper tool for the job does it mean I'm doing it wrong? NOPE! Is my ice-clearing method invalid because I'm not "doing it right"? NOPE! The end result is the same, and it's the same in this situation.

This person should have left well enough alone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, but sometimes these things are inappropriate to voice to a wider audience. This is one of those cases. Kind of like how you don't see people running around all over the place yelling that they wish for the rise of a new Hitler. I'm sure there are people out there that believe in that, but for the most part, I think they're pretty quiet about it. (I'm not saying that the e-mail sender is going around calling these IDGAF members delusional to other people, but it's always a possibility. I'm also not saying that these beliefs were expressed to anyone other than the e-mail recipient, just so we're clear)

If you feel the need to express to someone that you are concerned for them because you believe they're deluding themselves about an experience they had...don't e-mail a mutual friend - bring it up to the person in question and start a discussion. Put on your big boy pants and have an adult conversation in a way that doesn't belittle the beliefs or experiences of the other person. Though, I somehow doubt how possible it would be to have a rational discussion with someone who is so seemingly narrow-minded. But maybe I'm wrong - it happens.

This is my philosophy: live and let live. If Sally Joe wants to be a born-again evangelical Christian and hand me a pamphlet on the sidewalk, I respect her beliefs. If John Smith wants to cast a circle counter-clockwise all the time, who am I to tell him no? These people aren't hurting anyone, nor are they doing anything wrong. Some people might scoff at the idea of casting a circle that way, but it doesn't make it wrong.

What I truly don't understand is this: Why? Why does this person care what experiences these people are having? What does it matter to their beliefs? How are these member's experiences having an impact on the way this person experiences deity or practices their religion? I find it really hard to believe there is any impact at all. Don't feed the trolls, they say. Maybe this person is just being a troll? Trying to stir the pot to see what kind of bullshit can be kicked up? If that's the case, I've got news for you: bullshit is pretty flammable.

More Changes

I can feel the winds of change; they're rattling the windows, begging to be let in.

I know I'm not the only one they're after.

Maybe it's this time of year - things are slowly starting to wake up and break free from their icy 'prisons'. Maybe it's just in the air.

It's already started at my work. One pharmacist has left (because he got his own store in Ontario) and another one is leaving in the fall (her husband got posted in Ontario and he is leaving next month). One of our two assistant manager's left us as well (because she also got her own store). We've got one new pharmacist, and the assistant manager just got announced last week. We will now need a new receiver and another new pharmacist. Change is ripping through my workplace with a mighty fury, and I welcome it - but it doesn't mean I like what I see. The store I now work at is but a former shell of what it was before the assistant left, and I don't like what it's becoming in the wake of her absence. I've felt like I needed to move on for about a year, but now it's becoming more and more evident that my time in my current role is almost up.

I can feel myself waking up spiritually too. Not in the same sense that I did a year ago when IDGAF first became a thing - it's more than that. Something is stirring deep within me that has been longing to be let out for years. An inner power, or strength that's been pushed down and glossed over. The more I look for my roots, the more I'm digging up - the more I'm becoming who I know I am, who I'm supposed to be. I'm not afraid any more. I welcome this change, and embrace it like an old friend.