Embracing the darkness

Now that Samhain is behind us, we're officially into the dark half of the year.

In my small section of the world it's gotten really chilly in the past week. It's time for us to get out the hats, scarves, and gloves, and put away the lighter jackets in favour of the warmer ones. We've been having frosty mornings that turn into frosty afternoons, where warm drinks and hearty meals help to take the chill out. Although the time just "fell" back an hour, the fleeting light I get to experience at the end of my work day will continue to become more and more dark as the weeks go on, and instead of greeting the sun at the bus stop near my house every morning, I won't get to say hi to it until I get to work.

The dark half of the year is a time for introspection. When we can take a step back and do some inner work. While I think this is important for everyone to grow and evolve, I also think that stepping out into the darkness is equally important. Challenge yourself in some way during this time, and I think you'll find it can be quite rewarding.

The "group" that I work with recently discovered an unsettling presence at our regular outdoor ritual spot. Someone else has been using the same space as us, and while we are normally more than happy to share (as the more people that use the space the more energy that goes into it), whoever it was did not have kind intentions. This left us feeling very unsettled, anxious, and jittery, almost with a sour taste in our mouth.  While I understand not every ritual or working is going to be all love and light, this was beyond that. It was putrid, and it makes me wonder what the hell someone was doing that would leave something so disgusting behind. Not wanting to give our spot over to whoever was doing that, we fought fire with fire, in a manner of speaking, so that the space feels much lighter now. Hopefully it will be back to a more usable condition soon, but I can't help myself questioning what happened there. Maybe it's best not to question these things...but whatever it was, was ugly.

Embracing your dark side doesn't mean conjuring stuff you don't understand, or hexing someone that called you fat at work, but it doesn't mean being all love-y either. Pure white light is a reflection of all the colours where as darkness absorbs them all - to be able to understand the light you must also understand the dark. You can do something terrible with the best of intentions, but you can also do something amazing even though your intent might be ill seeded. Remember the balance of things and be safe as you delve into the unknown. There will always be a light to guide you, all you have to do is remember to light it.

Samhain: Celebrating "the Mighty Dead" and pissing off Christians at the same time

Samhain is almost upon us, and over the past few weeks (well, month, really) I've been in a very nostalgic and reflective sort of mood. I get like that this time of year...

My grandmother passed away about 15 years ago, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I often catch myself wondering what she would think if she could see certain world events, meet the people that are in my life now, or go on the trips that I've been on. I often take heed of Albus Dumbledoor's advice, "it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live". Thanks to that lovely reminder, I often don't dwell on these things and I usually just let them pass as they come up, but sometimes it's hard not to, especially around this time of year.

I find it interesting that other cultures always celebrate their dead, not just at any specific time of year but all the time, and yet here, once they're gone we seem to forget about them. Now I know, that's certainly not always the case, but by and large I think it's something us North Americans tend to do. Passing by a graveyard, you'll typically see lots of flowers and such decorating the graves of loved ones, but you'll often notice there are quite a few barren, old, and forgotten looking ones too. I think that Samhain reminds us to remember those who have gone before us, and I think it's a very important time of year for that specific reason.

It irrks me when I overhear people at stores saying how they "don't believe in Halloween". I get that many people are religious Christians and that those people think that Halloween is Satan's holiday and that everyone partaking in the events of halloween will enjoy eternal damnation. I'm sorry, but children dressing up in costumes and going door-to-door for candy plays no part in summoning the fallen angel himself. At the same time, children dressing up in costumes and going door-to-door for candy have no part in celebrating their dead relatives, in much the same way that putting up a christmas tree, writing letters to Santa, and giving butt loads of presents to one another doesn't really celebrate the birth of Jesus. Sure there are people that know how these traditions evolved to become what they are today, but the general population don't know these things. They just do it because that's what you do. I'm sure that if I went into a mall at Christmas time and said that I don't believe in Christmas, I would get he dirtiest looks around, but when people say the same thing about Halloween no one batts an eye. I hate the stigma around Halloween, and unfortunately it is what it is. If I went up to those people in that store and told them what Halloween evolved from, I doubt that they'd re-think their hate-on for the holiday because no one takes it seriously. It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does when I overhear people saying that, but I can't help it. It's like someone is trash-talking one of my most sacred holidays and I get really defensive. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I sometimes I wish that I had pamphlets made up and ready to go so that I can educate the masses.  Anyway, moving on...

I also find it interesting that Samhain follows closely behind our Thanksgiving, because I notice myself being even more thankful than I normally am for things. Thankful for the people I have in my life, for those that have breezed in and out of it, so to speak, and for those that are no longer on this earthly plane. Not just thankful for people though, but also for my situation in life. I'm not the most wealthy person around, I'm actually quite the contrary, but I have a full-time job and somehow I'm always able to pay the bills on time, and I have a roof over my head. I'm happily married (which is something I never thought would happen), and I have the best friends and family a person could ever hope for. I've seen things that some people never get the chance to see in a lifetime, and I've been places that I never thought I'd get to be in. I have it pretty damn good, and I feel like I owe the universe something for having provided me with this lot in life, but I find myself coming up short with ideas. I typically just send out as much gratitude as I possibly can and hope that it can scratch the surface.

I never used to view Samhain as the actual new year, but for the past couple of years I've been treating that way. It seems as though I become more reflective in the fall, and it also seems as though I get recharged somehow. When September hits its as if I get a breath of fresh air, and the stagnation I'd been feeling all summer clears up. I start looking forward to the projects I'd like to start or the things I'd like to accomplish. It wasn't until the last year or two that I realized this pattern in myself, but now that I have, everything makes more sense to me. Yes January 1st is just the new year on paper, but November 1st feels like the start of a new year to me. I feel like there are other people out there that feel like this but that don't realize it.

So, I leave you with these thoughts, as I hold my glass in a toast to the "mighty dead" (as Christopher Penczak so aptly put it). Hats off to a "New Year", and Happy Samhain everyone!  

On Religious Differences

Religion fascinates me. That's one of the reasons I ended up majoring in Religious Studies in university (I double majored, English was my other one). Some people that were taking the program with me started to question their beliefs during their studies, but others just found them reaffirmed. For me, the courses I took allowed me to diversify my own beliefs and better understand those of others. It also taught me how to apply the teachings of others to my own practice. 

Christianity. Many pagans would cringe at the thought of sitting through a Christian service, and although I'm not clamouring to go to one, I wouldn't refuse if I had the opportunity. I find it very interesting what is "discussed" during these masses. The ones that I have had to sit through, I've been able to apply to my own beliefs very easily. Perhaps the churches I went to had progressive pastors, but even the talk of sin and sinning was able to be repopulated in my brain to suit my needs. It could also be the fact that I'm inherently critical of just about everything, so I tend to ask a lot of questions before I accept or believe something. I think that humanity as a whole should be more like this but I digress...

What I'm saying is that if you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you can't possibly have anything in common with what's being preached spiritually, think about it for a moment. Try replacing the words with vocabulary that suits your needs (gods/goddesses instead of God), or try taking the overarching theme or issue and see how it applies to what you do. This won't work in all cases, but I bet you'd be surprised at what you can make work. 

Take the idea of original sin, for example. I absolutely hate everything about this concept. You mean to tell me that baby that's been out of the womb for all of 12 hours is a sinner and needs to repent? Yeah right, buddy. Anyway, what I take from this concept is that there is inherent "good" and "bad" or light and darkness in all of us, and the world around us influences us as to how we develop these things. I don't think that anyone is inherently bad, but I do believe that everyone has the potential to be serial killer...it's just how you internalize the world around you that determines the likelihood of this happening. 

What spawned this particular "discussion" is that one of my co-workers is very religious. She was raised a Catholic, and although she's not as "rigid" as her parents, she still goes to church regularly and observes things like lent and ash wednesday. We have meaningful discussions from time to time, and I find that while we have two very different sets of belief systems, we are able to reconcile lots of stuff. She's actually one of the only people that I feel completely comfortable talking about my spirituality to, because I know she doesn't think I'm crazy. It's kind of funny that...

Back to Basics

Lately I've been trying to figure out why I've been feeling so blah. Aside from the mundane issues like jobs and money, I think that it's been because I felt very disconnected from my spirituality. Essentially, I was what I would refer to as a "Sunday Pagan". I've always used the term "Sunday Christian" to describe someone who goes to church once a week and then forgets about their spirituality for the other 6 days. They know what they believe, but beyond that there's virtually nothing. So for me, a "Sunday Pagan" is someone that calls themselves Pagan and knows when the seasonal celebrations are, what pantheons they "work"with, and have their defined belief system, but that don't really do anything. They don't really walk their talk, so to speak. Some people would call those people "Lazy Pagans", but I'm not overly fond of the term "lazy". All wording aside, I got very caught up in the day-to-day activities of life, and sort of unknowingly brushed aside my spirituality. Not only did I brush it aside, I sort of forgot about it.

Until about 2 years ago I used to work at the local pagan book store. I was there for about 5-6 years, when it was all said and done. It was my first job, and I loved it. It never really felt like work to me, which was fantastic, and it was a very nurturing environment spiritually speaking. Without really doing any anything I was able to feel like I was practicing my spirituality on a daily basis, just by being there and offering advice and recommendations to people. Now that I work in a more "normal" retail setting, all of that has changed. I no longer have that nurturing environment, and I think because of it, things just slid under the radar without me realizing. But, here I am now.

So, in an effort to kick-start things again, I've decided to get back to basics.

What are basics, you might ask?

Well, for me, that means that I'm going to try to get back into the headspace I had when I first discovered things, but with my older, more experienced spin on it. I'm hoping to start reading again, and re-discovering books that I'd wanted to read in the past, or read books on subjects that have interested me in the past, and maybe a few that stand out to me now. I'm hoping to get outside more, because I find (and have found in the past) that even just being outside helps me to connect (or reconnect) to the world around me (ie, nature), a world that I've very much lost touch with. I also hope to start writing again, which is part of the reason I started this blog. I find that writing helps me clear my head, in some weird way. I'd also like to have my own altar set up again, and maybe, just maybe, I'll start to actually do something on the holidays, or at the very least, the equinoxes. Essentially, I'm trying to search for the roots of what I consider to be my spirituality, and then nurture those roots.

Excuse me while I go find my shovel...

Community

So what exactly is a community? Is it just a group of people with similar beliefs or similar intentions? Perhaps it's just one person helping another? Maybe it's a gathering of individuals that happen to be in the same area? 

I think that the word "community" means something different to everyone. To me, a community is a group of people with similar beliefs and ideals coming together for a common purpose. Simply break down the word and you'll get my definition...common unity. But why is it so difficult for a group of people with similar beliefs and ideals to get along? It should be easy, right? But it's not...and why are they so important, anyway? Lots of people practice on their own just fine, so why should it matter?

This is how I see it. Individually, you have beliefs and practices that work and make sense. You're comfortable doing things your own way, and enjoy the freedom of being solitary. You don't want to join a group because you don't want to be boxed in, so to speak. You don't want to have to follow other people's rules or ways of doing things, and you don't want to look stupid. That's totally fine. I think that working alone has lots of benefits, and to be honest, I think that no matter who you are, you need that alone time. But, I also think that too much time alone and you'll go stagnant. I think that practicing with other people, even if it's just attending a public ritual, is something everyone should do at least once or twice. You can learn a lot from watching how other people do things, and seeing what they believe. 

So what does that have to do with community? Well, you have a sense of belonging when being in a community that you don't get when you're on your own. You also have a bit of a support network that's not there otherwise, not to mention the vast differences you encounter amongst individual belief and practice, and the knowledge you can gain from that. 

We have a fairly strong pagan contingent in my neck of the woods, but unfortunately not a lot of people get along. Well, I probably shouldn't go that far, but there does seem to be a fair bit of animosity floating around. Until recently (about 5-6 years ago), we had one of the most cohesive pagan communities in Canada, but something happened that drastically changed things. Was it one person, event, or thing? It's hard to say. All I know is that I used to feel like I was a part of something big, so to speak. That, for all intensive purposes, I was a part of a community. I no longer feel this way, and I haven't for some time. 

I got into paganism about 13 years ago, and sort of quietly stumbled my way into what was a thriving community. There were lots of public rituals and events that seemed very well run with lots of smiling faces eager to strike up a conversation. I felt like I was finally in a space where I belonged, and I loved it. Now that I don't have that I miss it. A lot. Some would argue that we still have a thriving, healthy community here, but I disagree completely. How can it thrive when people are so judgemental, presumptuous, entitled, and defensive? 

Not long ago a group of people got together to try to fix our broken and fractured community, and for a while I had a lot of hope that, in time, old wounds would heal and we would be able to move on and back into some semblance of a "common unity". When I saw this was not possible with the current people involved, I decided to walk away. Begrudgingly, I packed up and moved on. I want to feel connected again. I want to have a sense of belonging, and of pride. Maybe now isn't the right time for it - I know the universe works in strange ways. For now all I can do is move on, and look forward to forming a new type of community, in hopes that one day, that "common unity" will be found again, not just for me, but for many others. 

As The Wheel Turns

In recent weeks I've noticed the days getting shorter - instead of waking up to the sun I now watch the sun as it wakes up. There has been a chill on the breeze, despite the last threads of heat clinging to air. The leaves on the trees in the marsh have started to blaze with colour. Fall is here. Change is in the air.

I find myself wondering how many others are noticing these things. Am I the only one that, by the end of the summer, feels stuck...stagnant? I've never noticed it before, but for some reason this realization has recently set in. Not only do I look forward to wearing jeans and hoodies, and eating tasty baked goods, but I find that the fall brings a renewal of sorts, that I look forward to most of all.

I've been a "bad" pagan lately. I let myself get caught up in the mundane hustle and bustle of everyday life. I almost turned a blind eye to the "world" around me, instead, focusing on how I was going to pay these bills or how I was going to make time for that appointment. I lost track of who I was. I'm not sure how I got back on track again, but now that I have, I've found myself wanting more...

My wife is also pagan, but we do things very different spiritually. It's a big help, having similar beliefs, but its hard trying to do stuff, just the two of us. Our friends that live down the hall are also pagan. Sometimes we get together with them to do stuff, which is fantastic, but we haven't done anything in a long time, and I miss it. My problem is that I don't really know what I want to do, and I know I'm not alone in this. So, here I am, creating a pagan blog, outside of my comfort zone. I hope to use this space as a sort of kick-starter. Any musings or "pearls of wisdom" I hope to post here, along with any activities, recipes, books, or articles I find particularly interesting. So, welcome to my blog. Welcome to autumn, and welcome to change. Let the seasons transform you inside and out. Enjoy!