Let the Rains Fall Down

I know it may seem impossible, but every now and then try to stop and enjoy the simple things in life.

We had a gorgeous morning here in Halifax, but that turned into a grey, foggy, rainy day. It was a beautiful day.

We went for a walk knowing that it would likely start raining as we were half way through. The sky had turned angry quickly, with intensely dark looming clouds, and a cool wind that carried moisture on its breath. Armed with our light rain jackets, we set off. Sure enough, just as we were fawning over the cutest teeniest ducklings I've seen in a while the sky opened up - a light sprinkle at first, gradually becoming more intense as the minutes wore on.

We were at a marsh with a large body of water, and as soon as the rain started falling it was like I woke up. Instantly the hum of the traffic from the nearby busy street faded away, and amidst the sweet sing-song of the birds that call that marsh home, I heard the most amazing sound of the light rain hitting the water. It was a very soft almost indescribable sound. It was kind of like white noise, but more alive. It was so rejuvenating, refreshing, and energizing to me. It wasn't just the sound of the rain hitting the marsh, it was the sensation of the rain hitting me, seeing it fall on the trees, and splashing on the ground around us. It was the smell that the rain brought with it, fresh and green. Drenched as I was, it was the most alive I'd felt in months.

Back home with a renewed sense of vitality, I decided today would be the day I move my altar - and so I did. It was in our bedroom and in a spot I wasn't a fan of to begin with, so I was disconnected from it for a while. Getting rid of an old desk in our office opened up lovely spot for me, so tonight I turned that into my own little nook of sorts. Here's the in-progress photo, and the "after".

I say the second photo is the "after" photo because I'd like to put a mat down on the floor or something. I kind of feel like it needs that to finish it off. I'd also like to have something on the wall behind my "secondary" altar, so until I can get those things this is the finished product. 

I love the feel of it, and I really like how I have my books and stuff right next to me when I'm doing stuff. It's not a huge space, but I think it's a great size for me. I also LOVE that I can have my altar set up next to a window again. I've really missed having that since I moved out of my parents place *cough*a few years ago*cough*. 

So, I know the photos are a bit small so it's hard to see everything, but I'll try to explain a little about the set-up just the same. The altar that's got the pink sarong on it is my main working altar. It's the one I'll sit in front of to do, well, pretty much everything. The one that's off to the side is a secondary altar that holds my statuary and tools and my bits of stuff, if that makes any sense. It's not where I'm focusing my energy all the time, but it's a spot where I can still display the things I'd like to have on display, and I thought that if I wanted to get into making more seasonal altars, I could use this secondary one to do that. I like to have a lot of the same stuff on my working altar all the time, so it's hard for me to want to dress it up seasonally.

So yeah, today was a great recharging day for me. I highly encourage everyone to get outside and get caught in the rain every now and again. Not all the time - I get that you don't want to be soaking wet on your way to work, or if it's cold out, or whatever - but sometimes it's fun to play in the rain.

Skin Deep

Tattoos are forever. Pigment forced deep into the skin by a painful, rhythmic process. A physical reminder of a time, a space, a feeling.

Tattoos have been around for thousands of years - the concept is not new - permanently marking the skin for cosmetic, religious, or cultural reasons.

I have many tattoos. They are a part of who I am, and will be, for the rest of my days. They are the permanent flags on the pages of my physical book. When I look at each one, I can tell you how I was feeling, who I was with, and where I was at that particular moment. My tattoos are an outward expression of myself, my true self. I will never forget what events led up to each one, and they all have a story to tell.

My first tattoo is turing 10 this year, a milestone to be sure. I feel the same way about it today as I did 10 years ago, if not more so. No regrets are to be found here. It is a purple triple goddess symbol )O( , with a pentacle in the middle, and vines wrapped around it.

*Note: This is what I see when I look down at my wrist - everyone else sees the pentacle pointing the "right" way*

I chose this to be my first tattoo because I wanted to get something meaningful to me that I could see every day. For me it was a statement: this is who I am. It was a way to reaffirm my beliefs and to offer myself and my dedication to my chosen path. That path has only become more solidified over the years, growing new off-shoots at the same time. This year I have changed - a lot - and so my tattoo is changing with me.

In two and a half weeks time I will be adding to my tattoo: a symbol of knowledge, mystery, and power. Along with it will come a sense of kinship and camaraderie. I am excited and nervous, just as I was when I got it 10 years ago. Regardless of where life takes me in the next 10 years - or 20 or 30 - this tattoo will be coming with me, and with it, the memories.

Another random update

Since I've kinda been MIA for a little while, I figured I'd come on here and fix that.

This weekend was filled with activity for me - literally. Yesterday I was up and out early, for a walk with my wife in a nearby park, called Hemlock Ravine. It's a great spot to walk around, with lots of old growth and large hemlocks. You can really recharge after taking a stroll through one of the many trials in there. We were there for about an hour and a half before leaving to head back into civilization.

Once I got back home I didn't have long before I had to leave again, this time because I was headed to the Bluenose Marathon to walk the 5k. I signed up through my work, and I'm really glad I did. This was my third 5k, but my first time in the Bluenose Marathon (today was the full marathon, half marathon, and 10k). I was extremely overwhelmed with the people and, well, everything about it really. The other two "races" I was in before were very small, so it was a bit of a shock to come from that to this. I had a great time though, and I am definitely going to do it again next year. Though, next year I won't do it with work because I want to try to get a team together for another cause.

Today I was able to sleep in a bit, but then my wife and I headed back to Hemlock Ravine because we didn't get to do much exploring yesterday before we had to leave. By the time we headed out of the park we'd spent 3 hours in there. So I was pretty busy today combined with yesterday.

Beltane was marked by a feast this year, and painting some phallic symbols to decorate our altars with. It was a good time all-around, and there was tons of great food. I got to take the day off work and weather was actually really great too, which was nice, because it'd been pretty cold and gross up until that point.

I finally finished a few books recently that I started months ago. I'm not reading anything at the moment, because I'm not sure what I want to read next! I know I want to read The Mighty Dead (Penczak) but I may wait a little longer before I start it, I'm not sure. I'd also like to continue reading my Irish-y type books, so I may pick up another one of those instead.

I don't really have much more to add to that, I think. For the most part, I'm just enjoying the nicer weather as much as I can, which translates into me being outside more.

I'm sorry this post was all over the place, but it's fitting because I've kind of been all over the place too. Until next time!

Reflections of Life from a Wondering Mind

So I wrote this on my phone while I was sitting on a bench along the Halifax Waterfront, and my mind was just wondering. I was thinking about how much I love my city, and then this popped into my head. It's short and sweet, but I thought someone might enjoy it, so here it is:

I am of the Ocean - it's in me like the blood that flows through my veins. The ebb and flow of the tides and the crashing waves soothe my soul like a mother's lullaby. The raging storms and rocky seas are a constant reminder of the harsh reality of life near the water - She gives life as easily as She snatches it away. The salt air revitalizes me - tells me I'm home. I could never live far from the water. I would feel trapped, cadged in and suffocating on the dry, heavy air. I am of the Ocean, and She is of me.

I am also of the Earth. My roots grow thick and run deep, like a wise tree bearing witness to the changing times. The green vitality of the living Earth breathes life into my being every second of the day. My internal cycles are reflected in the seasonal changes observed in the wild world around me. The deep forests teaming with life are where I long to be - living in harmony with the plants and animals surrounding me. Like the Ocean, the Earth can be cruel and unforgiving - only the strong survive. I am of the Earth, and She is of me.

Springing into the Season

Just a quick update for the curious.

Spring has finally starting to, well, spring in my neck of the woods. It sure took its sweet time about it too! We still have giant snow banks though, despite all the melting that's been happening over the past few days. The fantastic news, however, is that the sidewalks are now mostly clear of snow and ice and the snowbanks are slowly going down. We're coming into what I like to call "the dirty season". This is when the snowbanks are black from all the dirt and soot and whatever else on the road, and the melting snow starts to reveal the grossness of city life, like small caches of cigarette butts, piles and baggies of dog poo, and just lots of random bits of garbage like car fenders or plastic bottles. Aah yes, Spring has sprung.

We started to arrange our household altar in a more seasonally appropriate manner today, which is something we've been meaning to do for a little bit. It's not quite done yet, but here's an in-progress shot:

I'm also pretty excited at the prospect of a going to a Christopher Penczak workshop that was recently announced. It's coming up later on in the year and is based off of his book The Mighty Dead. It sounds like it's something right up my ally. It's not cheap though, so I'm having a hard time swallowing the cost, but I think I'll end up going anyway. This will be the first time he's come our way so is kind of a big deal, since, as you know, I'm a fan of his Temple series. I think it would be great a opportunity and I would be pretty bummed if I wasn't able to go. 

In other exciting news, we have an IDGAF dedicant nearing the end of his 6-month study period! He's a good friend of mine, and a real keener, so I'm not surprised he's gone through it like he has. I'm really happy that he's found his way, in a manner of speaking, and it's been really great to see the transformations he's gone through. He's like a brother to me, so it's pretty cool to see how far he's come - it makes me really proud. 

Other than that not too much is going on in my little sphere. There were some unfortunate events that reaffirmed my disappointment in our local community, so that kind of sucked. These are my general comments/thoughts on the matter: 

I like to be optimistic on the whole, however, I will continue to keep to myself until I see or hear a reason to do otherwise. I'll keep associating with those I wish to, and everyone else can continue doing as they do in their own way. After all, that's life. As a general rule though, I like form my own opinions based on the interactions I observe during the things I'm involved in. If I overhear someone being an asshole or a bigot or homophobic or whatever, chances are, I'm going to stay away. If, on the other hand, you seem like a decent human being, I'll give you a chance. Those are the rules I play by. I'm quiet and I observe, and then I act accordingly. 

Sorry for that slight deviation...getting back on track...

I feel like things are looking up on the whole though. My wife just got a new position in her company, the snow is melting, the temperatures are getting warmer, and the sunsets are getting later. The wheel continues to turn, giving us new life and spring, and at the same time bringing the harvests and introspection to others. 

For us, it's the time to get out of the house and stretch our legs. To feel the heat of the sun retuning and start planting our seedlings. For me, it's a time to get cracking on the job front, start the creative projects that have been waiting for me, and get back outside again. I can feel the energies around me waking up, and it's about time I do the same.

If There's a Future I want it Now

I've been having a silent revolution over the past few days, that has largely nothing to do with what I usually talk about on my blog, but here it is anyway...

I'm done. 

I'm done with taking back-seat approach to my life. I'm tired of sitting on the side-lines and watching my life pass me by - day after day, week after week, month after month - as I get up every morning and trudge along to a job that's just comfortable. To a job that I can just get by doing. To a job that's largely disengaging, repetitive, annoying, and disappointing. I want to find my calling. I want to get up every morning to work that I enjoy doing, to something I can be happy with and feel proud to do every single day. I feel like I've wasted my life away, and I feel like I'm getting too old to do something about it.

And I'm scared. 

I'm scared because I think I know what that means for me. I think I know which direction I need to head in but I'm torn. I'm torn between two things that I know I would love doing, but both of these things require money. I don't have money - I have debt. Not only am I going to have to make a very difficult decision between these two things, but I'm also going to have to figure out a way to invent money or pluck it out of thin air in order to change my life. I either need to go back to school (briefly - less than 2 years) or take a risk and invest a sum of money in something that may fail entirely. 

I don't know where to start. 

I'm not sure where to begin, or how. I don't know where to turn for help and every day I wake up and plod along to work, I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of quicksand. 

Am I depressed? I don't think so - not really. 

I'm still able to get myself up and dressed in the morning, and smile about everything that I have. Even though I'm apathetic about my job, I'm extremely grateful that I have it. I have full-time hours and job security, plus I get benefits, vacation time and sick days. My boss is awesome. If I wake up with a migraine, they let me switch my shift around so I can sleep for a little bit longer and let it pass (hopefully). If I don't have a way in or home, sometimes they'll drive me when it's out of their way. They're lenient and understanding that I take public transit and work my schedule around that. Then there's all the awesome people that work with me and the fun we have. It makes my days bearable, and is the only reason I haven't fallen down a sneaky hate spiral, as it were. 

I love everything else in my life. My wife, my friends, and my family, our apartment, my city, my spirituality - everything. I'm too happy on average to be depressed...but sometimes I wonder if it's creeping in, thanks to my feelings towards work. 

So what does this mean for me? 

I don't know. 

Maybe it means getting creative on my days off or coming up with an "action plan". Maybe I need to sit down with someone and talk about it - about what my thoughts are to get an "outsider's" opinion. Maybe I just need to say "fuck it" and make it happen by any means necessary. I don't know. All I know is that I'm through with what I've got now. Something's got to change. I see a fork in the road and I'm not entirely sure what path to wonder down. I just need to figure out how to get past the obstruction in the road, and I know that no matter what direction I head in,  I'll be happier for it in the end. 

Superiority is Inappropriate - A Rant

Su-pe-ri-or-i-ty: the state of being high or higher in quality; the belief that you are better than other people; the quality or state of being larger, stronger, etc., than others. (as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary online)

There are few instances where being superior is a good thing, but by-and-large, feeling superiority over others is generally frowned upon. I find this to be especially true in gender and race relations. Why should this be any different when dealing with religious matters? That person over there is better than I am because they're a Catholic? That's just wrong.

Today we (the founding members of the IDGAF tradition, however, 2 specifically) had a first-hand account of why religious superiority is inappropriate. There was an e-mail - from someone in our local community - that was sent to a friend of a founding IDGAF member. In this e-mail, the sender mentioned being "concerned" that Odin has been appearing to the members in question, saying that these people are delusional in thinking he would contact them because he didn't even show himself to [insert name] (from a story in the Eddas). The sender has been a part of the Heathen community here for a little while, and perhaps they feel entitled to comment because of their seniority in that community, I'm not sure. What they did, however, was basically say that these IDGAF member's beliefs are invalid because it is not the way that the e-mail sender has experienced this deity and, I can only assume, that because of this, they are being delusional.

I'm sorry, but who are you to go around telling someone what they can and can not believe? Wait...I'm not sorry. If you experience deity differently than the person next to you, that doesn't make their experiences any less valid than yours. It just makes them different. And that's a good thing! Diversity is what makes the community stronger, and bashing someone's experiences is not only harmful to that person, but it shows your inability to be open to the experiences of those around you, thereby making you a close-minded bigot (a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group [as a racial or ethnic group] with hatred and intolerance - the Merriam-Webster dictionary online).

It's one thing to have your opinions and keep them to yourself. Sure, maybe you feel that these people are delusional and couldn't possibly have the experiences they talk about. But don't go around telling them or others, that they can't possibly be having these experiences because this isn't like anything that you've experienced in your x number of years being a Heathen. That's inappropriate. It's like saying that there is only one way to go on a journey, or get in to a trance state because that's the only way you've ever done it. Does the pope go around telling people that they haven't had a genuine religious experience because he's never had the same thing happen to him? Nope!

And this isn't the first time this has happened - not only to founding IDGAF members, but to people in the pagan community as a whole. Why do we feel that when someone has a different experience with a deity it's not valid? Why is there only one way to do things? I've got news for you...THERE ISN'T ONLY ONE WAY TO EXPERIENCE THE DIVINE!!!! That's the beauty of being a pagan...or human, really. You don't have to do things the same way as your neighbour in order for it to have the same end result. For example, I don't have an ice pick to clear the ice off our deck. I have a hammer and a dust pan. You know what? That hammer and dust pan does a pretty great job at getting rid of the ice on the deck. Just because I'm not using the proper tool for the job does it mean I'm doing it wrong? NOPE! Is my ice-clearing method invalid because I'm not "doing it right"? NOPE! The end result is the same, and it's the same in this situation.

This person should have left well enough alone. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, but sometimes these things are inappropriate to voice to a wider audience. This is one of those cases. Kind of like how you don't see people running around all over the place yelling that they wish for the rise of a new Hitler. I'm sure there are people out there that believe in that, but for the most part, I think they're pretty quiet about it. (I'm not saying that the e-mail sender is going around calling these IDGAF members delusional to other people, but it's always a possibility. I'm also not saying that these beliefs were expressed to anyone other than the e-mail recipient, just so we're clear)

If you feel the need to express to someone that you are concerned for them because you believe they're deluding themselves about an experience they had...don't e-mail a mutual friend - bring it up to the person in question and start a discussion. Put on your big boy pants and have an adult conversation in a way that doesn't belittle the beliefs or experiences of the other person. Though, I somehow doubt how possible it would be to have a rational discussion with someone who is so seemingly narrow-minded. But maybe I'm wrong - it happens.

This is my philosophy: live and let live. If Sally Joe wants to be a born-again evangelical Christian and hand me a pamphlet on the sidewalk, I respect her beliefs. If John Smith wants to cast a circle counter-clockwise all the time, who am I to tell him no? These people aren't hurting anyone, nor are they doing anything wrong. Some people might scoff at the idea of casting a circle that way, but it doesn't make it wrong.

What I truly don't understand is this: Why? Why does this person care what experiences these people are having? What does it matter to their beliefs? How are these member's experiences having an impact on the way this person experiences deity or practices their religion? I find it really hard to believe there is any impact at all. Don't feed the trolls, they say. Maybe this person is just being a troll? Trying to stir the pot to see what kind of bullshit can be kicked up? If that's the case, I've got news for you: bullshit is pretty flammable.